Knitting to Cope

Well, here's a little update, and a partial reason why I haven't been much of a blogger. I have been knitting a ton lately, but not just to pass time. It has also been therapy, filling my need to create something.

For those who haven't talked to me in the last few months, I was pregnant. We were trying. We were thrilled. All was well. I went in for a routine check-up at 10 weeks only to receive the most dreaded words from my doctor:

"I'm afraid it doesn't look good."

Instead of seeing a 10 week old baby actively moving about, there was a nearly empty uterus with an inactive "fetal pull" measuring only 6 weeks.

I was devastated. We had already told Silas (we had no reason to think we shouldn’t), making a huge deal out of it, and now what would we say to him? It was too much.

Our options were to wait for my body to recognize that it was not supporting a viable pregnancy and miscarry naturally, or to speed it up with drugs or surgery. We chose to wait a bit to see if there could be any mistake. Three ultrasounds and a second opinion later, I went in for surgery.

In waiting nearly three weeks, I could feel the weight of the gloom and despair crushing my spirit. I had little energy to be a mom, but thankfully, I am already blessed with a beautiful, healthy, and highly energetic three year old boy who deserves more from me than depression has to offer. We are not a family who keeps the TV on all day, but I felt a little entitled to that luxury given my situation, so with Silas happily watching another episode of “The Backyardigans”, I sat beside him knitting.

Knitting brought me such comfort during that time. In 12 days, I completed a moss green rolled neck pullover sweater for my first born. I would post a picture of him wearing it here if my little blessing would only put it on. He was quite happy to leave me alone while I was making it for him, but the first time he tried it on, he decided he didn’t like it because it was too big and since refuses to wear it. Of course, I did make it a little big – one doesn’t make something that takes THAT much time in the perfect size for a little person growing at such an alarming rate. But that is logic too sophisticated for a three year old.

And so, the sweater has been put away. It doesn’t really hurt my feelings much, as it represents something sacred anyway. I now understand what David meant when he said, “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Knitting is a slow craft. Each and every stitch is placed with love, and carefully, a garment begins to unfold. It cannot be hurried or you might drop a stitch. It cannot be done absent-mindedly or you might miss an important step in the pattern. It must be done with intent and with skill. And this is the image we’re given of a God who carefully creates each and every one of us. This is the God in whom I can trust when I am pregnant again and the flood of worries creep in.

I am still healing. It will take time, but my faith is being renewed. God is good.