Finally HOME!!!

We are rejoicing that Josiah is FINALLY HOME!!! We got in about 6:00 p.m. last night and had a lovely evening with our little family. His first night went great - he ate through most of it, which given his issues with his bilirubin, is a good thing.

He still looks pretty yellow, and his bili numbers might still be climbing, so please continue to pray. We will have them checked again tomorrow and then continue to have them checked a couple times a week for the next few months. We also have to watch his hemocrits (?), to make sure he doesn't develop anemia. I had to really make a fuss to go home yesterday - he went from 14.1 to 14.7 in 12 hours, which is a slower rate of increase, but still an increase. We don't have to do phototherapy unless he gets to 18.

We aren't totally out of the woods yet, but we can see a clearing in the distance. By the time he is 3 or 4 months old, this should all be behind us.

Day 3 in the NICU

Here are a couple days worth of updates. It's hard to find time to finish my thoughts...

Monday:
Josiah is still in the NICU. He was off the billi lights last night and his bilirubin levels went up to 15.8 over 17 hours. We're disappointed to not be able to bring him home, but we are so thankful that this is a very treatable problem and we will have a great time with him at home soon. Thankfully, he is nursing great and having lots of wet and dirty diapers, all good things to help flush the bad stuff from his blood stream.

Tuesday:
We're ready to bring him home, but unfortunately, he is not. It looks like it's still going to be a couple days. His billi level only came down to 13.7 after 19 hours under the billi lights. We're bummed, but spending time in the NICU really brings perspective. His problem is dangerous if untreated, but with treatment, he should have no lasting effects. That's not true about many of the other babies there. So when you pray for Josiah, pray for all the premies that he
currently rooms with too. Many of them are quite literally fighting for their lives.

I'l be spending some time with him this morning while Silas is in school. I've been able to do 3 out of 4 day feedings and then bring in breast milk for his night feedings. It's weird being home without him, but we want to keep things more consistent for Silas, so this is best for now.

Do they look alike?

Many people have asked me if Josiah looks like Silas did as a baby, so I'll put their pictures up and let you be the judge:

Baby Silas...


Baby Josiah...

Do they look alike?

Still in the NICU

We had an amazing first day with baby Josiah - he is such a good baby! He was eating well and sleeping great. Because of the antibodies that I developed last fall after the miscarriage, we knew we would have to watch Josiah more carefully for jaundice as he is at a higher risk.

Unfortunately, his bilirubin levels increased quickly during the night, and he had to be transferred to the NICU. Since starting treatment, his levels haven't increased, but they aren't coming down yet either, so he may been in there a couple days. And the bilirubin is making him sleepy, so he's pretty tired and doesn't want to wake up much to nurse.

We are doing okay here, and feel confident that he will be just fine soon, but we'd really like to be done and take our baby home. Silas is hanging out with my parents for now, but we'd like to reunite the brothers again as soon as we can. He might come by this afternoon to visit again.

Silas' Big Boy Room

I've been feeling like all the attention has been on baby preparations and just recently I realized that Silas' room has been neglected. We had it painted the same time we did the nursery, but hadn't really done anything besides that. I chose a light gray color to be a neutral background for all the bright blues and greens I planned on incorporatiing, so the room was looking really drab.

This weekend, my dear sister-in-law, Amy, spent the afternoon helping me get everything wrapped up. She is just amazing when it comes to decorating and I am so thankful for her help! Silas really likes his new room - he says "it's really cool!"


Jumping on the numbers rug with his cousin, Bella...


Posing with one of his art creations. (This one is supposed to be an alien with 4 eyes, but it looks more like a cute little boy to me).

Brave Knight...

We don't do Halloween, but thankfully, we have a great church that offers an amazing Harvest Bash in which the community is invited in for a night of candy, games and fun. Once again, it was amazing. All the good of the holiday: dressing up and candy; none of the bad.

And as you can tell from the pictures, Silas thoroughly enjoyed being a brave knight. (Please notice the absence of a sword - I think four is a little young for a weapon.)

Knitting for my boys...

I haven't posted any recent pictures of my latest knitting projects because they have been taking forever to finish! Rather than wait until they are completely done, I will post what is done and what is mostly done, and then hope for grace to get those last few loose ends tied up... literally!

Matching sweaters for Silas and his baby brother, Josiah... (Silas wants buttons on his, so I still have to find some that I like. And I may put patch pockets in green on the front of each sweater, but I'm not sure yet as it will change the look pretty dramatically.)


Baby Josiah's sweater with matching jester hat... (still have to finish the pom-poms. I made them too small.)


My first experiment with switching yarns to create a striped pattern...

I wanted to make a hat for Silas, and thought a candy cane striped hat would be cute, but I think it's looking a bit more like the Cat in the Hat... we'll see when it's finished...

Ready to bring home baby...

With all the serious nesting we've been doing, I think we can safely say we are ready to bring home baby Josiah... well, mostly ready.

This weeks activities have included building a new bookshelf (love IKEA's prices and designs, don't always love putting things together); installing a do-it-yourself closet organizer for the nursery; cleaning all the messes created from those two projects; cleaning out half of the garage to prepare it for painters; having the garage painted to prepare it for a the Closets By Design installer; cleaning out the laundry room to prepare for the closet organizer again; finally getting organization pieces installed in two VERY cluttered areas; and organizing the laundry room (I also scrubbed out all the cabinets that were existing and cleaned up the last 5 years of detergent residue that had built up.)

As far as the nursery goes, I am mostly done, with only a few little projects I'd like to finish if there's time. I LOVE how this nursery turned out! I wasn't sure if I would do something different for Josiah, but since we were moving rooms, I was having a hard time making the decision to paint the new room exactly the same as Silas' nursery, which had been just perfect for him. I came across some great (and inexpensive) bedding that had the exact color green I had to work around from the nursery chair and then it all came together.

I wanted the walls to be the color of chocolate milk and stood in front of the color wall at Sherwin-WIlliams for what seemed like eternity, praying that I would get the color right. It's tricky picking a shade of brown that will work for a baby's room and not look too grown up. I can proudly say that I nailed it! It is exactly the color I wanted and looks so perfect in his room!!! Silas also got a new paint job - chrome gray - but there's still too much to do in there to post any pictures yet. Perhaps I will get my sister-in-law, Amy, to come over this week and help me finish it up. She is the best!

"Firty-one, Firty-two..."

Silas has a very cute speech impediment: instead of the "th" sound, he says "f". He says "fank you" instead of "thank you" and "free" instead of "three".

I think it's pretty common in preschoolers, and I hope he will out grow it on his own, but the other day I thought perhaps he was going to need some prodding, so I looked up online how to teach the "th" sound and followed the directions to assist him. We've practiced the "th" sound, sticking our tongues out and blowing air across it. He wasn't immediately able to connect it to a "th" word, but he did have fun making the sound.

Sunday we were stuck in traffic and he began whining about when we were going to get to wherever we were going. Steve suggested that they count to 100 together, a little game that daddy started to help pass the time, and one that mom, the educator, very much approves of! They volley numbers back in forth, so Silas gets lots of help at the change of tens (from 69 to 70 and so on), and at the same time, he's becoming familiar with the order.

Well, naturally he began the 30's with "firty-one, firty-two..." And I interjected a little speech therapy lesson, reminding him to make the "th" sound to say "thirty-one". He did a great job all the way to thirty-nine and then started right in on the 40's. "Thorty-one, Thorty-two..."

It's really hilarious, and unfortunate at the same time. He was following my rule of changing the "f" sound into a "th", but here was a word that was supposed to sound like an "f". Sigh. We'll get there eventually, I hope.

Nesting...

With less than 5 weeks to go to my actual due date, I am beginning some serious nesting. This weekend, Steve and I started working on the nursery (I'll post pictures when it's "done"), and somehow I ended up reorganizing the crawlspace in the basement!

When I was pregnant with Silas, I remember scrubbing with a toothbrush the tracks that the drawers in my bathroom slide in and out on - very important to have cleaned those before bringing home a baby. Really, they could use another scrubbing as it has been four 1/2 years since I last paid attention to them. It's so funny how something I've been able to ignore suddenly becomes all consuming. It's the fear of the craziness to come, I think.

This time, it's not so terrifying. Now I have a little idea of what to expect, and if nothing else, I won't be going back to work (outside the home, I mean), and that alone will be so different. I really do feel lucky that I get to stay home and be a full time mom. There certainly are days when I feel like I'm "just a mom" with very little to offer, but that message of insecurity quickly evaporates when I look at my sweet four-year-old boy.

Today is a serious laundry day - time to wash up all Silas' old clothes getting them ready for his baby brother. It's so fun to pull out all those teeny onesies and sleepers and imagine what they will look like when Josiah is here filling them out. (For those of you who didn't know, we're having a boy and we're calling him Josiah.)

I just picked up Silas from preschool, and we stopped at the library to return a stack of books and pick up some new ones. He is on the computer next to me playing computer games. We LOVE the library, and right now it's so easy to go - that will change too, I think.

We are praying for a smooth transition with Josiah, that he will be a peaceful baby, and that Silas will be a wonderful big brother, just like my big brother, Uncle Dusty, and daddy's big brother, Uncle Martin. Silas has some pretty big shoes to fill, but I know he's up to the task.

Preggo Pix

Pregnancy: a third trimester summery

As we come closer to the end of this pregnancy, I think both Steve and I are feeling a bit unprepared for what lies ahead. Certainly, we have some clue about parenting now that we didn't have when we brought Silas home, but still, I think we are excited and apprehensive at the same time. I suppose that's normal.

Being pregnant hasn't been very easy this time. Perhaps it's that I'm 32, not exactly a "young" mother. The first trimester was really a blur of guarded emotions and fatigue. The second trimester was NOT what the books said it should have been - the high point in the pregnancy when I should be feeling my best. Instead, I was struggling with extreme insomnia and terrible muscle pain. I would lay down after a busy day and my whole body would be one tight contraction refusing to release.

Finally, I threw my back out the morning before a trip to Northern Michigan. I had been unloading the dishwasher when I felt a snap and that was it. I called "doctor mom", who prescribed additional magnesium, which acts as a large muscle relaxer. She had recently pulled a muscle in her back and found relief when she increased her magnesium intake. When we looked into it, we found that a pregnant woman should be getting 450 mg a day, and I was only getting 100 mg in my prenatals! Well, no wonder I was so tight! Within 2 weeks I was feeling soooooo much better! It was amazing! I could still be active and not pay for it all through the night!

Soon after, I interviewed a doula to assist us with my delivery, and she inquired about my calcium intake. I thought I was getting enough until she asked about insomnia and leg cramps. It had become a joke how little I was sleeping (maybe 2-3 hours a night!) and just two nights before I had the most servere charlie horse in my life! I started taking a calcium/magnesium supplement before going to bed and began sleeping better immediately!

Why didn't my regular OB tell me about this?!? It's not that I haven't been sharing my symptoms with her. It's so frustrating that we think we are getting good prenatal care, when really all we are getting is some mild monitoring and someone who will show up at the last minute to whisk our baby away and suggest loads of medical intervention which will serve more to protect her liability than provide the best for the health and comfort of mommy and baby. This is one reason we are hiring a doula. I just want to feel like someone is holding my hand, listening to me and making helpful suggestions which actually provide relief.

So here we are on the home stretch, just 6 weeks to go. It dawned on me last week that this delivery may not be anything like my delivery with Silas. I was planning on going two weeks early, but then I realized that I won't be under the same stressful conditions that I was under when I had Silas. Thankfully, I will not be working 14 hours the day before I go into labor. I have the luxury of resting throughout the day (not always as much as I would like, but as much a mother of a very active four and a half year old boy will allow.) And so now I am preparing mentally that I might actually be late, going past my due date (Novemeber 22, the week before Thanksgiving).

Still, even with my revised time frame of 4-8 weeks, there is still so much to be done. Our "To Do" list keeps growing daily, and the feeling that we are unprepared is keeping me from getting the rest that I need. I can't manage to stay off my feet and lately they have been swelling to elephant proportions. I need to take a picture of them, though it won't be pretty.

And these are our last days of being a family of three. I so enjoyed this summer with Silas, the ease of going places and the enjoyment of seeing things for the first time again through his eyes. Lately, I've been so busy preparing for the baby, that I haven't paused much to drink in these last few moments. I just need a few productive days of activity, and then I will feel I can stop. These are days to be thankful for, and I am very, very, very thankful.

Too close for comfort...

A couple days ago Steve told me about a particular critical-care patient of his that he had spent a lot of time with. She was 32 years old and had just given birth 4 weeks earlier to a healthy baby boy. When I asked him what was wrong with her and replied simply, "She is very sick."

I don't know how many doctors worked on her case, specialists of all kinds, but she continued to decline. Her heart function was decreasing, and she had some kind of infection, but they couldn't locate the source. She was transferred to another hospital with a better critical-care facility, and there she had surgery in which they removed her uterus after it perforated during a D&C. Perhaps there was some tissue left over from the delivery that caused the infection. We still don't know.

I was consumed with her case, asking for every detail (including her name, which Steve with held due to HIPAA compliance). Why was she sick? There still wasn't a good answer. It was frightening. It still is.

I told my mom about her yesterday and we prayed for her healing. I felt the spirit of death had attached itself to her, and we both prayed against it. I went to sleep last night feeling peaceful that she was in God's hands.

Today, I asked about how she was doing and was shocked when Steve told me she died last night. I do not understand why, and of course, I am fighting to maintain peace.

And so I am grieving. Grieving for a woman I have never met but felt a deep connection to. Grieving because she will not be there to raise her son, she will not know the joy of seeing him go to preschool or meet his first soccer coach. And her little boy will never know the woman who gave him life. He will only hear about her as he grows.

I know there is pain in the world, tragedies like this one that have no explanation. Although my life has had it's share of troubles, I have been protected from such pain and for that I am thankful. I know that my God is watching over me, protecting me, planning good things for me, providing for me.

I just wish that I could have done something to help. I felt that my prayers were enough, but I was so moved by compassion that I really wanted to DO something - to go down there and pray with her, anoint her with oil, share the gospel with her, offer her hope... but all I did was pray. I know there is power in prayer, but I will never see in this life any fruit from those heart-felt prayers that were going up for her. I suppose I can continue to pray for her husband and baby boy.

I just don't understand. I just don't get it.

How will I continue? "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." (Proverbs. 17:22) I will chose to be cheerful, to keep my spirit focused on the goodness of God and not allow this to crush me. I will remember that I am a redeemed daughter of God and that he will watch over me. I will not fear evil - I will remember that even the swallow has found a nest for herself, where she may have her young - a place near the altar of the Most High. (Psalm 84:3) I will put me trust in God and not man. "No good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." (Psalm 84:11)

Even now, I know God is bigger. I may not understand, but I don't have to. I will release this woman and know that I am not her, that this will not happen to me.

Uncle Martin

Every summer we take a trip to Michigan to visit with Steve's family. Sometimes we visit with the extended family (both of his parents are from Michigan, so there are PLENTY of relatives to catch up with). This year, it worked out that we could only get away for 3 days, and so we just spent our time with his parents and his brother, Martin.

Silas completely latched on to his Uncle Martin. Together they worked around on the farm, driving the tractor, moving dirt, running over small trees. They hunted for wild turkeys but only managed to collect a few feathers. They fished with real worms and caught a real cat fish. They built a fire and roasted marshmellows. You can see why Silas became so attached - Uncle Martin is REALLY COOL!

And the best part is that Uncle Martin seemed to enjoy it all as much as Silas.

Napping...

Naps are tricky. On days when Silas doesn't nap, it can be hard to get through his normal napping hours without tons of whininess. I still insisit on him having "quiet time" to himself, where he is in some other part of the house alone. I think it's important that he not have his every waking hour filled with interaction.

If he doesn't nap, he goes to bed very early, which leaves me with a lovely evening to myself, or if Steve is home, to spend with my husband when we aren't totally exhausted.

But most days he still needs naps. Today his nap was going longer than the normal one and a half to two hours. I was beginning to fear that bedtime tonight might be a battle if I let him sleep longer, so I went up to wake him up and invite him to join the world.

Most of the time when I wake him from a nap, he is happy to get up and asks, "Is my quiet time over?" But today, he surprised me with his request:

"Can you please leave me alone so I can sleep?"

I guess his little body wasn't done yet. I'll have to make the most of the this extended nap, as it might mean a late night for us.

Turbo!

Silas is in camp at a local gymnastic center this week - the theme is American Gladiators. On the first day, all the kids got to draw a "gladiator" name out of a hat and his gladiator name is Turbo. It so suits him.

He has decided that he really likes the name and has even asked if I will sign him in at church as "Turbo Silas". He is even working hard to learn to spell it! I guess whatever helps him learn.

He is really doing well at camp and LOVING IT! I showed up early yesterday to observe for a bit, and I was amazed at the complex series of activities they were asked to do:

Donkey kicks on the wedge mat, then
Walk sideways up the inclined balance beam, then
Somersault (with assistance) down the ajoining balance beam, then
Hop on one foot on the mini-trampoline five times, counting outloud (1,2,3,4,5), then
Run up to the spring board, jump two times and land on raised block mat, then
Go to rings and pull up to make "Mickey Mouse ears", then
Run to start and begin again.

As I listened to Ms. Paige give the instructions, I wondered if he would be able to do it all. I was stunned at how well he did! My little boy CAN follow directions! YIPEE!

Pregnancy Update: 2nd Trimester

I am feeling so much movement these days - it's so much fun! I'm really starting to feel that special connection to him and Steve is even starting to refer to him as "Josiah" so we might have finally settled on the name. We don't have a middle name yet, but that will come. I have been noticing Braxton-Hicks contractions everyday, especially in the afternoon and into the evening. I don't remember feeling them this early with Silas. I am such a hypochondriac sometimes that I think I make too much out of everything, but I do plan to mention it to my doctor when I go see her in a couple weeks, just to make sure I'm not overdoing it. I have this friend from church who I've just gotten to know and she and her husband just went to Italy for 10 days, hiking and biking all over - oh, and she was 6 or 7 months pregnant! On her blog, she posted a video of her husband napping on a bench while she's waiting on him so they can go hiking up this gorgeous mountain side. I feel like such a wimp compared to her!!!! But I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be thankful for the health I do have. It is hard, though, not to feel like a complete whiner when I think of her!

Summer Days...

Isn't summer wonderful. Sleeping until 8:00. No where to rush off to in the morning. Lazy days at the pool, library, playing in the backyard. Wonderful.

I am so enjoying my little boy. I realize this is my last summer we have to ourselves, just the two of us. Next summer we'll have a 6 month old with us, and while I'm so thrilled to be giving Silas a sibling, I will miss these days of just having one child. It's so easy to up and go. And he is so fun!

We spent a relaxed evening at home, which started with watering plants and ended with playing in the sprinklers. After bath, we had a snack, and then cuddled up to read some of the new library books we picked up before dinner. Since it was a bit early for bed, I didn't mind reading more than the normal three books. I enjoy new books just as much as he does! And then into bed, prayers and cuddles. So sweet.

Our cat, Cooper, sleeps with Silas most nights. He jumped up to join our cuddle time and tickled Silas by "kneading dough" on his belly. It was hilarious. One of those cute little moments you are so glad you got to be part of and you never want to forget.

Here's an action sequence of our water play, starting with dousing himself with the hose...

...running wildly while wet...

...coming around...

...to laugh...

...and laugh some more!

Silas' Future Wife

We hope...

Seattle

We've just returned from a wonderful getaway to visit my dear friend, Faith, in Seattle. We couldn't have asked for a better visit, expect, perhaps, I wouldn't have had crazy swollen feet the first two days.

We were able to get a great deal on tickets (thanks, Priceline!), but couldn't fly at ideal times, so we asked my lovely family if they would watch Silas for us. Now you can see why this was such a great visit - not that travelling with our dear son wouldn't have been great, just not as deep and rewarding, and probably much more tiring.

Faith and I have been friends for so long and it is so lovely to spend time together. She is such a treasure. I don't deserve her. Since she married Phillip four years ago, our friendship has become the long distance kind, with weekend visits here and there and long chats on the phone when we had time. We were so blessed this visit with how well our husbands got along; it was the boys who stayed up the first night talking late! (The pregnancy really slowed me down this trip!) Phillip and Steve really had a great time together, which is such a blessing to us.

We ran around their lovely little town, checked out the military base Phillip is stationed at, and spent the Fourth of July enjoying downtown Seattle. We visited Pike's Market and the Space Needle and watched the fireworks in Bellevue accompanied by a live philharmonic orchestra. It was such a memorable holiday that we will never forget.

Journey With faith...

Originally drafted April 11, 2008

I am pregnant again. It is so wanted and yet it brings out so many difficult emotions. Joy and Fear are constantly fighting for my full attention and so I have found myself forgetting that I am even pregnant at times, perhaps as a coping mechanism.

I have had 2 ultrasounds showing a strong heartbeat and many blood tests showing good HcG and progesterone levels. This is quite different from the pregnancy I lost in September when there never was a heartbeat and my body just took a long time to recognize that it wasn't supporting a viable pregnancy. And so this time I have been guarded, protecting myself in case, God forbid, things might go in the same direction.

But this time is very differnt, and I am rejoicing because of it.

I went last week to see the doctor and felt as if I could finally exhale when I saw that beautiful heartbeat blipping away in a static field on the monitor. And as we were walking back to the exam room for a final consultation, I thought all was well. But then my doctor reviewed some addtional labwork and discovered something of concern: I have Anti-D antibodies present in my blood.

What are Anti-D antibodies and why would I be concerned? I am Rh negative and Steve, my dear husband, is Rh positive. If you recall from high school biology, there are different bloodtypes and some are compatible and some are not.

Sometime during my miscarriage my body recognized I was pregnant with an Rh Positive baby and my body converted and began producing anti-D antibodies. This means that my body may begin to produce more of these antibodies with this pregnancy which will cross the placenta into the baby's bloodstream and begin destroying the baby's blood cells. There is NOTHING that can be done to reverse this process. I felt completely defeated and hopeless upon receiving this news.

I called my mom that night, and she reminded me of the hope that is in Christ Jesus, that I can call on Him and He will answer me... She went on in faith for 20 minutes, building my faith and encouraging me not to give in to fear (I Peter 3:6). I went to bed that night with a resolve to feed my faith and not my fear and instead of lengthy internet searches on "anti-D antibodies", I read through Bible verses that spoke of God's promises to heal, hear, and protect those with FAITH.

The very next morning we were able to see a specialist and were very encouraged by our meeting with him. He basically confirmed that there is nothing that can be done to remove the anti-bodies, but he was very confident that I would be able to carry this baby to term with regular activity and some intervention if needed. The change in my heart was so amazing from Tuesday to Wednesday. I am confident that everything will be fine. I may have to jump through a few hoops in order to have a healthy baby, but I WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY!!!

"Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome!" Nehemiah 4:14

And so I am rejoicing in the LORD and in his great mercy. He is faithful and good and I will not be afraid.

Score!

Since Silas was feeling a bit better this morning, I thought it would be nice to get out of the house. But where do you take a "contagious for 1 more hour" kid... Garage Sale-ing!!

Silas loves to go to garage sales. His eyes lit up when I made the suggestion this morning, and he scampered upstairs to get dressed. I packed lunch and snacks, and we headed out late, around 11:30. Not ideal for getting good deals, but we weren't really looking for anything, just trying to get off the couch.

We went to one neighborhood nearby that was having a community yard sale and had a great time browsing and finding "must haves". We came home with a bike tire inflater, metal bike rack for the garage (much needed as Silas bike is ALWAYS in the way), a white noise maker alarm clock for the nursery, a ten cent spinning top, some craft supplies, and Silas had a hotdog and limeade. We also got a vacuum with a retractable handle that is perfect for Silas, who has already vacuumed the dining room, his bedroom and ours. And I found a home of 2 teachers selling off a variety of thematic project books (Science, US History & Geography, Math) for "school at home" inspiration - notice I did not say for homeschooling, as I have no plans to take that on in the immediate future, but I wouldn't mind having resources for enhancing his educational experience in the future.

The big score of the day was the Eddie Bauer Travel System complete with car seat, stroller, two car bases, and cute winter snuggle blanket (much needed for my Thanksgiving baby), though now I'm wondering if the stroller is going to be too heavy. It was more than I wanted to spend, but I'm hoping to recoop some of that next weekend when I sell mine at our community yard sale. Silas is very excited to select things to sell of his own. I don't know if I'll let him keep the money, but I do have veto rights to prevent him from doing something rash like putting John Brown Dog up on the auction block!

Strep Throat

I am feeling like a big, fat jerk. Silas has been on again off again feeling yucky for almost 3 weeks. Most days he is fine - no fever, no sore throat complaints - just a normal, energetic 4 year old.

Last week he woke up with swollen glands on his neck - I mean REALLY swollen. I consulted my "Guide to Your Child's Symptoms" from the American Academy of Pediatrics and found that swollen glands without fever or other complaint should just be watched - call the pediatrician after 7 days. 7 DAYS?!? Well, if it can wait that long, it must not be anything serious. So on day 8 when he woke up feeling TOTALLY HORRIBLE (a very drastic change from the previous 7 days, but still, no fever), I called the doctor at 9:01 a.m. and had him seen at 10:15.

It turns out it is strep throat.

I texted Steve and he texted back, "I'm surprised. No fever, no tonsilar exudate!!" Those were the things I was looking for too. Fever and oozing stuff from his throat. He had neither. But the throat culture showed strep, and after 18 hours on an antibiotic, Silas is strikingly improved. So much for doctor mom. Or Doctor-doctor dad.

I'm just glad he's getting better and hopefully, we'll be able to go to his friends birthday party on Sunday. Perhaps another day of unlimited tv, books, cuddles and popsicles will bring back my perky little buddy.

John Brown Dog

Silas has a best friend. His name is John. He has short brown hair and brown eyes. They met last fall at Grammy's house and the connection was immediate. We were surprised by Silas' deep attachment as he had never showed such preference before, but given the timing (a month or two after the miscarriage) perhaps it filled a void.

For a few weeks, Silas was telling stories about an older brother named Sean. I'm pretty sure this was his way of dealing with the sudden absence of sibling discussions that had been flowing for some time. We had foolishly included him in our happy news as soon as we found out I was pregnant last fall, and when we got the devestating news that the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks although my body hadn't figured it out yet as of 10 weeks, we had no idea how to reconcile it for ourselves, let alone for our sweet 3 year old.

And so we clammed up. God is merciful, and Silas seems to have handled things quite well on his own, and so we listened to stories about Sean, delicately showing interest while not encouraging it too much.

We were a bit relieved when he seemed to have latched onto this shaggy stuffed dog. It already held special significance for my mom as she had purchased it years before for her mom who at the time was dying from cancer. Grandma Myer had become very child-like, but never really took to the little brown dog as mom had thought she might. Grieving was very hard on mom, and she didn't have the heart to get rid of it. She just tucked him up in her closet to be dealt with another day.

So when Silas discovered it in her closet and asked to take it home, I made a BIG DEAL out of taking good care of Grammy's puppy and returning it to her after his sleepover. When we tried to return it the next day, Silas had grown so attached that mom was happy to give him a new home.

At first his name was just Brown Dog - Silas was new at "naming" and so he went for the obvious. While on vacation with Mom and Dad in January, a friend of theirs asked Silas if Brown Dog had a name. He thought for a minute and said "Sean". Then he seemed to remember that he had assigned that name to someone else, and so he quickly changed it to John. And so John it is.

John goes with us everywhere and holds a special place in my heart as well as his. He is Silas' playmate during the day and his champion in the night. He goes to the library, the grocery store and even was able to visit his preschool a few times. Every evening at bedtime, one of us is searching for the last place John was in play. I've noticed in the last several weeks that there have been nights that Silas has forgotten John, and I find him dicarded on the floor somewhere. I know he might be missed in the middle of the night, and so I slip him into Silas' bed and tip-toe back out.

Perhaps his need for John is coming to a natural end. There is a new baby on the way and his focus is shifting to his role as a big brother. (Needless to say, we waited until we were VERY safely out of the woods with this pregnancy to share the news with him, even though he had been asking about my growing tummy for weeks - I tend to show REALLY early, and I think I've educated him a bit too much about growing babies.)

I am grateful that mom didn't get rid of that little brown dog. He wasn't able to comfort a dying grandma, but he was able to come along side a confused little boy and bring joy and friendship, and for that John will always be cherished.

Pregnancy #3... First Trimester COMPLETE!!

Everything with my pregnancy is going well. I have officially made it through the first trimester and things are looking just like my pregnancy with Silas looked and NOTHING like the miscarriage in the fall - Praise God! It's funny, but it's taken me this long to really settle into begin pregnant! I just pulled out maternity pants on Sunday (and was comfortable for the first time in weeks!) I guess I wasn't rushing things so much, as one of the hardest things about the miscarriage was being in maternity clothes and NOT being pregnant.

I think I told you about meeting last month with the specialist from OSU and how we felt God's peace and comfort afterwards. Steve had a blood test while we were there to see if he was heterozygous or homozygous - basically whether he carried only positive factors (I don't know the actual term) or whether there was a 50-50 chance that this baby could carry a negative factor and thus not be affected at all by the anti-body senstitity. For some reason, we didn't get the results until just this week, but I am happy to report that he is heterozygous!!! Even though it's a small thing, it is an answer to prayer, giving me hope that this pregnancy will be uncomplicated and building my faith that God is in control and that he will watch over and keep this baby safe. I also had more blood tests on Friday and got the results yesterday that my levels have not changed AT ALL - another huge encouragement! So I am feeling tons of peace!

I recently came across this scripture from I Chronicles that has been encouraging me to stand strong: "Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgments he pronounced." (I Chron. 16: 11-12) I feel like I am able to look to God and that he is revealing himself to me in so many ways. He is in control and I can trust him.

We finally told Silas last week about the baby and he is THRILLED! Of course, the waiting is hard and I would have liked to have waited longer, but my belly has been popping out for weeks and I felt bad misleading him whenever he mentioned it. Here's how the conversation would go:
Silas: "Your belly's getting bigger, mom" said with a sly grin.
Me: "That's cause I eat too much. Your belly is getting bigger too. And so is daddy's."
Which resulted in him breaking out in giggles and allowed a quick change of subject for me. If only he didn't hang out in the bathroom when I'm in my skivvy's, it wouldn't be a problem.

Preschool Humor

Silas has discovered joke-telling as a way to be entertaining. His first real joke was a knock-knock joke and it was pretty cute:

"Knock-Knock"
"Who's There?"
"Cow Go"
"Cow Go Who?
"No, Cow's Go 'Moo'!"

Cute, right. But understanding why it's funny hasn't yet occured. So now Silas is into making up his own jokes, and they're not very funny. As one can imagine, what is funny to a preschooler, is usually nonsense to a grown-up.

At first, I was encouraging his efforts by laughing and telling him that he was funny, but with his recent spoiled-child behavior, I've decided to be more realistic about his attempts at joke writing. I explained that jokes are funnier when they make sense and that the way he was telling jokes were funny only to himself.

So he decided to tell himself a joke:

"Knock-Knock, Silas"
"Who's there?"
"Cowboys and Trees"
"Cowboys and Trees Who?
"Cowboys go 'blah tree boo ticka ree'" (or some other such nonsense)

And then he erupted into high-pitched forced laughter, apparently having cracked himself up. I hope we haven't started something new here.

When I was seven, my three-year-old brother, Stephen, learned his first joke. The first time he told it, my mom nearly wet herself with laughter, totally encouraging him to tell it again and again. And he did tell it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again... you get the picture.

I grew so tired of that joke and all the attention my darling little brother received from telling his stupid joke again and again, as if he were the Little Emperor and could do no wrong. I resented him for being the favorite of the family and for coming along and stealing my thunder as youngest child.

And so I wonder what it will be like for Silas when another child comes into the family. Having been the middle child, I'm sure I will be sensitive to his feelings of de-thronement, while also reassuring him that he is still a special and loved member of our family. But I also am aware that he desparately NEEDS a sibling and that he will be a wonderful big brother, eventually. (Just as sibling rivalry eventually ceased between Stephen and me and now I can say I am very happy to have him as a younger brother - though it was pretty much constant fighting until I left for college!)

And what was Stephen's first joke?

Q: "Why did the elephant wear diapers to the party?"
A: "Because he didn't want to be a party pooper!"

It's really not that funny, is it.

Super Silas

Aunt Faith was here for a wonderful 5 day visit, during which she gave Silas and beautiful red satin cape, lined with fire trucks and dalmations, complete with a large felt "S". She asked for my permission first before giving it to him, in case he was in an obssessive stage in which in might wish to wear said cape everywhere. I assured her that he wasn't in such a stage, and felt pretty safe with that diagnosis as he has 2 capes already and we haven't had any problems.

But those weren't Super Silas capes. He has worn it all day every day since she gave it to him. One morning, an hour before he is usually out of bed, he stood by my bedside, completely dressed for the day, and asked for his cape. It's hilarious. And Faith keeps reminding me that she asked first.

And it makes him run faster. He has hand motions that begin each run. I love it. Because before long, he will be embarrassed. Before I know it, he'll be too cool. Before I'm ready, he'll have struggled with growing up himself and will decide to put his child's play aside and do more big boy things like sports or video games.

So if he wants to wear his cape to the grocery store, science museum, mall, church and mom's group, I'm okay with that. I will just smile at anyone who notices and make sure they know that the "S" stands for Super Silas.

I want to sell my birthday...

Silas' birthday this year was a little over produced, over stimulated, over booked and over dramatic. He was so excited that he barely slept and by mid-morning was exhausted and cranky. After several melt-downs, we actually contemplated cancelling everything in order to give him a much needed nap. We tried coaxing him into a better attitude by reminding him of all the fun we had planned, to which he responded, "I don't want it to be my birthday anymore. I want to sell my birthday."

Can you sell a birthday on Ebay, I wonder?

Acting like over-indulgent parents, we pressed on and rewarded a LOT of bad behavior with 2 parties. Yes, one at a local party house arcade, followed by a dinner party at our house for family.

Today we have worked on correcting all that went wrong. All of his presents are in Time-Out until further notice. He spent most of the day playing quietly in his room with a box of legos and some library books. And he was DELIGHTFUL. I think he just needed some strong discipline and a little less fan-fare.

Next year, we will keep it simple.

Why the drama?

For some reason I was wondering about sensationalism. Dictionary.com defines it as "subject matter, language, or style producing or designed to produce startling or thrilling impressions or to excite and please vulgar taste."

Vulgar taste. Why do we like things that are crude?Why do we crave drama? Why do we desire to hear the horrid details of someone's life? Why are we consumed by celebrity gossip? Are we that bored that we can't find better things to think about?

The apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Phillipians a list of things that one should think on. He writes:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you."

Philipians 4:8-10

I imagine his instruction applied to those moments of our leisure time when we are mindlessly channel surfing and stop on some new reality TV show that is meant to appeal to our carnal nature. And we wonder why we have such little peace! We are thinking about all the wrong things.

And OH, BOY, look out if something dramatic happens to us or someone close to us! We are going to shout it from the mountain tops, sharing every tragic detail until our listener feels pain at hearing of our difficulty. So maybe we aren't that obnoxious, but we certainly would like for others to know the depth of our pain. There is such a fine line between sharing our lives with others and gossip, isn't there?

Proverbs 20:19 says, "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much."

I guess the point I am trying to make is that we ought to spend less energy getting all the details of an event understood and more time finding the silver lining. We need to be careful about what we watch on TV, what crude things we fill our minds with and instead be content with Silence. And when something moves us deeply, our first reaction should be to lift it before the LORD and ask him to reveal His hand.

And sometimes we should be content to keep things to ourselves.

Knitting Portfolio

I've been wanting to post a few pictures of some of the things I've knitted lately, so here goes:

Here is Silas in the green sweater I knitted back in September. It is quite big on him, but I do think he likes it now. (The boo-boo on his chin is from our recent visit to a water park. He waded out into ankle deep water and dove in! He was NOT happy!)

A couple sets of slippers I made as a gifts.


Baby Hat made for my new nephew, Judah Stephen, who was born yesterday!


This sweater is not quite finished, although I hope to complete it by the end of the week. It is for my niece, Isabella, who turned 5 on Sunday. It is the same pattern that I used for Silas' sweater. I recently came across a pattern for a very cute asymmetrical cardigan and a cute shrug that I'm going to attempt next.

Beach treasures as determined by a preschooler...

This picture is from our trip to Florida in January. I loved watching my little boy discover digging in the sand, exploring the little treasures nature had left for him to discover.

Bad Breath...

Okay, so this isn't something I'm proud of, but I tend to have bad breath. And for as much as I tend to my oral hygiene, I really think it out to be better than it is.

The other day I was listening to Good Morning America Radio (on XM) and happened to catch Dr. Harold Katz discussing bad breath and it's causes. He mentioned sugar being a factor in feeding the sulfur producing bacteria that cause bad breath which live on the back of the tongue and in the sinuses. According to his research, mints and gum contain sweeteners and while they may mask a foul odor temporarily, they really will make matters worse by providing a buffet for the bacteria to feast on and therefore multiply. So the Altoid I had just popped in my mouth was actually doing more harm than good! Great! Now what?!?

Never fear, Dr. Katz has developed a product that will suffocate the bacteria rather than feed them: Therabreath. I went to CVS and purchased the oral rinse product immediately.


I'm not trying to be a mini-commercial for some product, but this stuff WORKS! It even eliminates morning breath! My husband is thrilled (as am I since he is using it too)!

I use only 1 capful once or twice a day, not the recommended 2 capfuls before brushing and after flossing, which in my mind will only help me go through his product faster, thus forcing me to buy it more frequently.

Dr. Katz also mentioned using products that contain essential oils like Tea Tree or Peppermint as they suffocate the bacteria rather than feed them, so I purchased a natural toothpaste at the health food store. It doesn't taste funny at all, so I'm happy to make the switch.

I am a little concerned about the safety of the Therabreath products as I am on a uber-natural quest to right all the wrong in my body, and I don't know how this will fit into the equation. But for now, I am confident that when reading to my dear preschooler, I will have sweet mommy breath and not that of a dragon!

Go Bucks!

Silas asked me to make him this backpack. It was a simple enough pattern and so while travelling to and from visiting family, I whipped it up. He chose the colors, much to the dismay of my dear husband whose family is all from Michigan. (Scarlet and Grey are the school colors of the Ohio State Buckeyes, Michigan's arch rivals).

He has yet to put anything in it or really carry it beyond posing for a picture. He wants me to make him a hat next - and I probably will even though there are no guarentees he will really wear it. I really enjoy the process more than the end result, and apparently, so does Silas.

Conspiracies and prophets

My mom has mentioned a couple of times a book she wanted to read, The Hundred Year Lie: How Food and Medicine Are Destroying Your Health. I picked up a copy at the library the other day and have flipped through it a bit. My dear cynical physician-husband has also flipped through it and has decided it is designed to promote fear and that it is not to be trusted completely. I see his point. The author makes many claims, and attaches a lengthy bibliography, but his sources are not the reliable unbiased types that I am now trained to look for.

While the author's objective is likely to inform his readers of many pitfalls which can be avoided, he is also trying to sell books, and fear sells. "What must I do to protect myself and my loved ones from the evil government and nasty doctors who are sabotaging our future? I better buy this book so I can find out." (Save yourself the $20 and get it from the library.)

I continually seek godly wisdom on health, and sometimes that comes from secular sources. But sometimes I feel paralyzed to eat anything for fear of doing damage. This book makes me question the organic foods that I have been enjoying as even they have been compromised. Everything is potentially harmful!

And this brings me to the word of the LORD:
God instructed Isaiah not to walk in the way of the people saying,

"You are not to say, 'It is a conspiracy!' In regard to all that this people call a conspiracy, and you are not to fear what they fear or be in dread of it.

It is the LORD of hosts whom you should regard as holy. And He shall be your fear, and He shall be your dread. Then He shall become your sanctuary..."

Stop for a moment and drink that in. Isn't that powerful. God will be our sanctuary, our protection, or hiding place. I am grateful to be one of His children, to be able to enter under his care. He still speaks today, even through and ancient prophet.

Tranquility

I'm instituting (again) a limit on TV time for preschool Silas. I don't know how it happens, but things start to slide and the next thing I know he has full access to TV all the time. Not that I think TV is all bad, it's just that he becomes a very different little boy - one that whines and very rarely obeys right away.

Today is Sunday, and on Sunday's I like for the whole family to nap. Daddy is working nights, so he was already in bed. Silas was tuckered out from a big breakfast at Bob Evans and church, but first he wanted to watch some TV. I allowed him to "spend" all 3 of his TV tickets (30 minutes each), and after his videos were over, he also took a nap.

By evening I was beginning to waver. Daddy left for work at 6:30 and I wanted so badly to turn the TV on and spend the evening lazily vegging out on the couch. Since Silas took a nap, I had about 3 hours post-dinner to occupy before he realistically would go to bed. I wanted to pass the time with my little boy in a fun and creative way, and as I paused to plan my next move, inspiration came moment by moment.

We painted, we danced, and then I got the best idea of the evening: I was inspired to have a little tea party. Yes, little boys can enjoy tea time just as much as little girls. I found an Asian style tea pot and cups that I have never used, but have always really loved and an exotic tea that was gifted to me by Faith but was always too special for just any occasion. And we sat and we sipped. We dunked tea biscuits. We talked. We laughed. And it ended with a sweet little kiss.

Did I really want to play and be creative? Not really, but I'm glad I did, and we had a lovely evening.

Endocrine Disruptors...

We eat mostly all organic meats and dairy to avoid hormones given to animals. I peel or diligently wash all conventional produce to remove residual pesticides. No trans fats. No high fructose corn syrup. I am careful about carbohydrates cooked about 250 degrees to limit my intake of acrylamide.

But I haven't looked much at my beauty routine, until recently. With just a little research, I've become aware of the many environmental factors that affect our reproductive system. I hope to make some changes to my own beauty routine to restore God's intended harmony.

Age management doctors are using bioidentical hormones given to patients in cream form applied to the skin to regulate hormone-loss due to aging. The face is one of the best places for absorbtion because of the many capillaries on the face, the same capillaries that cause us to blush. I have known this for about a year, but didn't make a connection to my own hormone issues before.

This week I began investigating organic body care items, lotions in particular, to evaluate the benefits over conventional products. What I found has really got me thinking.I have been using sunblock year round for several years now and a very basic moisturizer at night. I thought those were good things but now realize while these are good for the appearance of my skin they are perhaps bad for my body overall. And it seems some scientist agree.

The World Wildlife Fund has documented many instances of reproductive abnormalities increasing in nature. They attribute this rise to the many toxins that various industries release into the wild. They call these toxins "endocrine disruptors" as they interfer with the delicate balance of hormones in the body, known as the endocrine system.

I am still doing research. I wish I had a time machine as I feel like someday so many of the things we think of as "safe" will be labeled toxic. Remember Queen Elizabeth and her lead based face paint?

Some websites to explore:
Danger: What In The World Are You Putting On Your Skin
Human Exposure to Plastics
Does the dose makes the poison?

Idle words...

What would Jesus say if he stubbed his toe?

That was the question that came up today at mom's group. It's funny, but it's also important in our everyday lives as we are supposed to be like Christ, and yet we so often stumble when it comes to what we say in the moment of aggravation and frustration.

Frustration seems to be a part of everyday life, no matter how spiritual we are. Like when the kitchen floor has just been mopped and your son spills milk every where. Or when you haven't slept 8 straight hours in a row since the birth of your preschooler and you have less patience than you ought. When the barrel of your life is bumped or tips over, what you're filled with will spill out. So what spilled out of Jesus?

It seems to me that the words we are releasing in a moment of tension are idle words. What does the Bible say about idle words. A quick search on Biblegateway.com reveals the words of Isaiah 58:13-14 :

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's
holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

So there is a reward to "not doing as you please or speaking idle words." We all like rewards. And this reward is a good one - You will find joy in the Lord. That's pretty cool. We all want JOY, but God promises we will FIND joy.

But did Jesus give us an example to live by, afterall, he was "God with skin on". Searching "Jesus frustrated" or "Jesus annoyed" doesn't give us anything. I'll keep working on this and let you know soon.

D-Clutter Me!

I am on a mission! It is so refreshing to comb through the clutter and live a more organized life! I picked up Peter Walsh’s new book It’s All Too Much: An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life With Less Stuff from the library and I am so inspired!

(By the way, if you are not a library enthusiast, consider using the library instead of purchasing books. I’m sure the major book sellers would cringe, but I have read so many wonderful books that I would never have spent the money on. And I’m even convincing my book lover husband to explore the library before buying. We still buy some books, but not as many and we really enjoy reading lots of cool stuff for free! Not to mention - less stuff to store around the house!)

I am not a hoarder by nature, but I did inherit some hoarding tendencies. I still have dried roses that my husband gave me when we were dating – some almost 13 years old! And they aren’t just buried in the basement either. No, there is a serving bowl full in one of my kitchen cabinets, right behind mugs and coffee filters, stuff I use everyday. Here is 13 year old trash eating up prime storage space, all because I am emotionally attached to them. Or rather I was attached to them. I plan to pitch them as soon as I complete this post!

But it’s the lazy clutter that gets me most: the stuff that I had intended to do something with but just set down somewhere for the time being. Suddenly it begins to accumulate, and then it becomes a part of the landscape and I don’t see it anymore. I know I’m not alone here but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to work on it. So I’m on a mission to go around and look at what I’m ignoring and deal with it. It is taking a long time, but I hope that by spring, I’ll be a new woman!

(And I stopped and threw out those roses already! I feel so liberated!)

Silas and Mommy...

I love my little boy. He is such a blessing. The preschool Silas is by far my favorite so far. I don't want to wish him older, but I do enjoy each new accomplishment so much.

(This delightful smile was coerced by telling him NOT to smile. If only he was eager to please. Still, this is one of my favorite pictures to date.)

A healthy perspective for the holidays

The holidays are over and life is slowly returning to normal. Almost all the Christmas decorations are put away and most of Silas's new toys have been assembled.

Everyone seems to ask, "How was your holiday?", to which I reply, "Very nice, thank you. How was yours?" But if we really were to lift the veil, I would stop and say, "It was wonderful. Truly pleasant. One of the better ones so far." Isn't that nice. That the truth is actually better than the pat answer?

Back in November, I felt my inner Scrooge coming out for his season of gloom, and I decided I wasn't going to give in this year. I realized that the gift giving on the season is what seems to get me the most. Finding the "perfect gift" for everyone who has everything. And deep down, I really don't want to. I don't want to add to the clutter of the already overstuffed. I don't want to try to impress the hard to impress.

And that's when I realized the root of my unhappiness: I was trying to impress my loved ones and be congratulated for another success. This is very different from giving someone a gift to show them how much I love them. One is focused on me, the other on them.

With a very slight shift in perspective, my holiday shopping days were no longer harried and frustrating. I still did lots of research to find good gifts, but I didn't fantasize about the moment when I would swell with pride after seeing the gift opened. Instead, I thought of my love for that person, praying for them to be blessed. It is such a small thing, but it made such a difference.

And so I would say my holiday was lovely and simple. Not that I wasn't at the mall every other day. Not that I didn't stay up late wrapping, cleaning, cooking. Believe me, I did.

Yet somehow, it still seemed simple.

And blessed.

Christmas 2007

We had a lovely Christmas day, rather calm considering years past. We really kept it simple this year and it was so nice. Silas was thrilled to have multiple presents to open, but we made his pile very obvious to keep the "is there any more" questions limited. He got a few cheap presents in his stocking from Santa, but I don't think it mattered too much to him this year. We read loads of books about St. Nicholas leading up to the holiday, so I think the excitment of Santa was toned down for him. I don't want to be legalistic, but I also don't want to lie to my child, so we're taking the "let's pretend" approach. I think it's fun to pretend Santa brings gifts, but I don't necessarily think you have to all out lie in order to have that fun. It's a year-by-year evolution for us; I'm sure more will develop next year.

Projects...

I've just returned from visiting my very dearest friend in the whole world, Faith. She moved to Seattle last winter and all summer long I was hoping to make a trek out with Silas to see her. Unfortunately, it took a major life tragedy for me to realize that I needed to see my bestest friend. It was wonderful!

And she is sooooo organized! I came away not only with a renewed spirit and refreshed soul, but also with the motivation to organize and finish projects that I've started. I have since reorganized my kitchen cabinets, cleared off my counters so that I actually have usable counter-top space, straightened the pantry, decluttered the hall closet, sorted Silas' closet and packed away his too small clothes as well as listed some of his things that were never worn on Craig's List... I'm on a mission!

It feels so good to declutter. How does it all accumulate so fast? Why do I feel that everything is so important that it can't be parted with? Why don't I set aside time to do this on a regular basis?

Stay tuned... more coming!

Knitting to Cope

Well, here's a little update, and a partial reason why I haven't been much of a blogger. I have been knitting a ton lately, but not just to pass time. It has also been therapy, filling my need to create something.

For those who haven't talked to me in the last few months, I was pregnant. We were trying. We were thrilled. All was well. I went in for a routine check-up at 10 weeks only to receive the most dreaded words from my doctor:

"I'm afraid it doesn't look good."

Instead of seeing a 10 week old baby actively moving about, there was a nearly empty uterus with an inactive "fetal pull" measuring only 6 weeks.

I was devastated. We had already told Silas (we had no reason to think we shouldn’t), making a huge deal out of it, and now what would we say to him? It was too much.

Our options were to wait for my body to recognize that it was not supporting a viable pregnancy and miscarry naturally, or to speed it up with drugs or surgery. We chose to wait a bit to see if there could be any mistake. Three ultrasounds and a second opinion later, I went in for surgery.

In waiting nearly three weeks, I could feel the weight of the gloom and despair crushing my spirit. I had little energy to be a mom, but thankfully, I am already blessed with a beautiful, healthy, and highly energetic three year old boy who deserves more from me than depression has to offer. We are not a family who keeps the TV on all day, but I felt a little entitled to that luxury given my situation, so with Silas happily watching another episode of “The Backyardigans”, I sat beside him knitting.

Knitting brought me such comfort during that time. In 12 days, I completed a moss green rolled neck pullover sweater for my first born. I would post a picture of him wearing it here if my little blessing would only put it on. He was quite happy to leave me alone while I was making it for him, but the first time he tried it on, he decided he didn’t like it because it was too big and since refuses to wear it. Of course, I did make it a little big – one doesn’t make something that takes THAT much time in the perfect size for a little person growing at such an alarming rate. But that is logic too sophisticated for a three year old.

And so, the sweater has been put away. It doesn’t really hurt my feelings much, as it represents something sacred anyway. I now understand what David meant when he said, “You knit me in my mother’s womb.” Knitting is a slow craft. Each and every stitch is placed with love, and carefully, a garment begins to unfold. It cannot be hurried or you might drop a stitch. It cannot be done absent-mindedly or you might miss an important step in the pattern. It must be done with intent and with skill. And this is the image we’re given of a God who carefully creates each and every one of us. This is the God in whom I can trust when I am pregnant again and the flood of worries creep in.

I am still healing. It will take time, but my faith is being renewed. God is good.

Coconut Oil

I have a new favorite item: Coconut oil! I use it to saute` vegtables, bake zucchini bread, and I use it on my face and hands as a moisturizer! It doesn't get any better than this!

I have to give credit to Betsy for starting me on the coconut oil craze. She peaked my interested when she said she rubs solid coconut oil onto her skin in place of sunblock. I haven't been able to find any research to give me an SPF rating, but there is historical evidence that it has protected Pacific Islanders from the harsh rays of the sun for years. Of course, these people also have more melanine in their skin, so it's difficult to give all the credit to coconut oil without any research to back it up. My skin is on the fair side, and I'm afraid I will still get too much sun through a thick layer of coconut oil, but it is my favorite night time moisturizer.

It takes a little getting used to as it is solid at room temperature but melts at 76 degrees. So when baking, I melt the coconut oil first, but as soon as I add the cold eggs to it, it coagulates. The texture changes with each added ingredient until the final batter looks pretty normal and the end result is the same, but better. Coconut oil is supposed to be very healthy for you, unlike vegetable oils.

Here's the skinny on the fats:
Coconut oil is a medium chained saturated fat, and even though most saturated fats are bad, a medium chained one somehow is not. It is used in formulas for infants as well as liquid nutrition for critically ill patients. Surely, there must be some good science out there to promote giving it to the most vulnerable of society! It also contains lauric acid which is only found in mother's milk - making it a perfect food for infants.

Also, it doesn't change it's healthy qualities when heated. Olive oil is very good for you in it's extra virgen unheated state, but loses many of it's health benefits once heated. So I saute in coconut oil and before serving, toss in fresh olive oil.

If nothing else, it's just fun to eat your beauty products. :)

We need each other...

I'm inspired to blog a bit after reading the blog of a dear friend (her blog is private or else I would have linked it here.) I am reminded how much we need each other, espeically when the "we" is of the stay-at-home-mom variety.

We moms get such little value by society. It's incredibly lonely when you think you're the only one who is dealing with such and such right now. And even though on some level we know that we're not the first to deal with a blow-out swim diaper 20 minutes into your afternoon at the pool, it doesn't make it any more fun to clean up. But having another mom come in while your finishing up and acknowledge how yucky that just was makes all the difference.

I am so blessed with an amazing group of moms at my church. Their companionship is invaluable to me. Just knowing that there are so many other women who feel just as I do at times is such a comfort. And witnessing a new mom to the group feel their warmth and acceptance is priceless.

And God has orchestrated so many amazing women to bless and encourage me on this journey that I couldn't possibly list them all, but I think I'll try...

Thank you, Faith, Keri, Cara, Melissa, Beth, Erin, Betsy, Gina, Shannan, Lydia, Jill, Deb, Nicole, Karen, Elizabeth, Audra, Juhee, Marcy, Kim, Julie, Beth, Cynthia, Jeni, Lynn, Jen, Ruth, Kellie, Miranda, Tiffany, Jessica, Cari, Ami, Anne... You are each as ministers of God to me, teachers of the Law, Rabbis of old, unlocking mysteries through your open lives. Thank you.